I received this in an email today and it spoke so very loudly to me that I felt the need to put it here for everyone.

No matter how tough life gets - and there are times when it's really rough - no matter how tough it gets, you should know that you are tougher.

You are strong and resilient and brave.

If you ever question that, even for a moment, look again at who you are and see yourself through spiritual eyes and you will understand exactly what I mean.

You get more amazing with every ticking of the clock.

Sunshine and Rainbows coming your way.

My Sweet Husband

Yesterday would have been my only daughters 20th birthday. Elizabeth Cassandra was a full term stillborn. Regardless of what anyone says it is not something that you get over. It gets easier to deal with, with time, but the pain of losing your child never goes away. She was beautiful in every way, a ton of hair, my nose, and perfect.Why she isn't here is still somewhat of a mystery. According to the ob/gyn and coroner she died of a Eutero SIDS. A case of SIDS inside the womb. She was fine the day before when I had my ultrasound and gone the next day. The why's of why she isn't here really don't matter anymore, all that matters is that she isn't here.

Her death changed my life in more ways than I can ever possibly put into words. The biggest way it changed my life though was in my religious view. I had been raised a Baptist. I believed that everything happened for a reason. Yet when Lizzy died everything changed. To begin with I had already lost my 3 sons to a horrific divorce and although I had learned to live with the loss I never got over it. It would have been different if I had been a terrible mom but I wasn't. It would have been different if I had not loved my sons but I absolutely adored them. I still do although all of our relationships are strained at best. I am just thankful that there are relationships at all at this point.

So back to Lizzy, when she died I became very, very angry. How could a God that I had believed in, worshiped, and loved be so cruel? He had taken away my 3 sons and now he took my only daughter. Yes, I blamed God. After all everything to that point in my life, that I had been taught, said that God was in control.  He had the power. I felt this way for a few years after Lizzy died.

11 months after Lizzy died we had a beautiful, healthy, wonderful son - I was thankful but still angry that I didn't have my daughter.  Yet life went on.

When my son was about 2 years old I had a friend who asked me to go to a "psychic fair" - my life of Christianity kicked in and fear reared its head. After some talking she talked me into going. When we got there she wanted me to have a reading. I immediately said "NO!!" She teased me by asking me if I thought I would go to hell?!!  My reaction was "YES!!"

After some talking she got me to have a reading. I told her to pick the psychic and that I would give no more information than my name. She picked the right person. The psychic's name was Christina and her reading put me on the path I am on today. One of these days I will sit and write about that reading and the beautiful things she said. The bottom line for today is that her reading led me to a life of healing, love and my pagan path. For that I am forever grateful.

So yesterday was my daughter's 20th birthday. It was a difficult day. With recently losing my wonderful dad and that pain being so raw I found myself in a place that made her loss more profound and difficult to handle this year. I decided to bake a cake in celebration of who she was to me and who she would have been if she had lived. I made a chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting as it is my hubby's favorite. I know that Lizzy would have loved and adored her dad!

After we each had our cake my dear sweet husband posted a poem for our daughter and that is really what this post is all about. My hubby is a thoughtful man who does not show his emotions much. He showed them last night and for me it was a very profound moment. It showed me that although we move on in life and learn to live with our pain and although that pain changes over time, it never goes away. It is always there and it changes who we are and how we look at the world around us. We slowly heal but we never forget the pain nor do we really ever get over it. This was a profound lesson in so many ways for me. One that I am still learning.

So that I can keep the poem in a safe place and know that it will always be here when and if I ever have the need to read it I am posting it here with the remarks that my hubby made. I am thankful that I have such a wonderful man in my life and a beautiful son that has blessed my life in more ways than I can count. I am also very thankful for even the strained relationship I have with my 3 oldest sons and will always wish that life could have been different for all of us.

Now to the poem:

Just some thoughts on the hardest cake that my wife will ever make .....
Ode To Elizabeth
I hopelessly sit here,
Like twenty years ago.
All the candles are lit,
No "Sweet Angel" to blow.

I look up to the heavens,
And shout out "WHY" ??
The silence is deafening,
They don't hear my cries.

Yet again with dismay,
I feel no breeze.
No wind on my face,
Just me on my knees.

I fight all the demons,
That lurk inside me.
I would let them all out,
But I can't find the key.

This battle is fought,
every day of my life.
I hope I'm winning,
But it's not a fair fight..

You can throw theology,
Right out the door.
The bottom line is,
She’s with us no more.....

She lives in my heart,
So were never apart
She’s with me today.
As it’s pumping away.

Yet my soul is still searching,
For the love that I lost.
So hard to find peace
At whatever the cost

Then I look to the heavens,
And I desperately cry.
“Please, just one more puff "
No need to ask why .........

We Love You Baby,
Dad, Mom & J

Many Blessings to You and Yours,
Saet

Abundance Checks - March 2012

Here are the Abundance Check dates for March!


March 1,2,3,4,5,6


Blessings,
Sage